A Little Effort to Regain My Balance

Today is my 3rd day of sobriety.

I started drinking again a little over a year ago after over a year of major cravings which suddenly came on while I was going through adversity.

Before that, in 2015, for several months, I drank about four beer a day in the late afternoons with my parents.

And before that, I had a drinking problem and a drug addiction from late 2010 until March 2012.

And this is also my 3rd day of being more sincere the way I was when I first embarked on Sri Chinmoy’s path. I adopt this increased sincerity for my Guru’s sake because I trust him and that is what he wants. I know that he will be more pleased with me if I am sincere and it will be easier for him to help me. And that I will be happier. Other people have their own reasons as to why they are sincere or insincere.

And in one’s spiritual journey, one is an eternal beginner according to Sri Chinmoy’s philosophy. I myself am beginning my spiritual journey again today. And as a beginner, you’re not going to be perfect.

When you realize you’ve made a mistake, and became less sincere, or pure, or simple, you simply go right back to what you previously committed yourself to do, which was begin a spiritual life with sincerity, simplicity, and purity.

And that is the same with meditation. When you catch yourself losing focus or concentration and get caught up with your racing thoughts, you simply calmly and gently steer yourself back to your object of concentration.

So, you will indeed trip, but there’s no need to fall.

I’ve been reading the Holy Bible—particularly Proverbs—the last few days to help me embrace my sincerity and truth.

Let me first point out, however, that I am not a fanatical Christian in the sense that I feel that my way is the only true way and that everyone should follow my way.

I believe that each person should follow the path that he feels is best for him. To each his own and all roads lead to Rome is my philosophy.

So, I studied and meditated on three passages from Proverbs yesterday.

Allow me to just tell you quickly how they were significant to me and how by meditating on them, I came out of my mind’s delusions and increased my sincerity—a little bit.

I made a bit of a mistake the day before, as any beginner does, and became determined to stay up all night long due to my intense ambition never receiving any rewards and seemingly accomplishing nothing.

Note: I said in my second blog article, I Need Something I’m Passionate About: “But having something you’re passionate about can aid you to overcome alcoholism. Something that may not give you the kind of rewards you dream of but at least little rewards as opposed to complete barrenness.” So, I need to appreciate and be satisfied with the little rewards—like being proud that I got this article completed even though no one will read it. I can think things like: maybe people will read it after I put it in my book and my book gets published; maybe, gradually, I will get my entire multi-volume memoir published and I can include this and my other blog articles in it since I have been advised it should be written like a diary.

Anyway, I didn’t want to go to bed until I received some kind of satisfying reward.

And I began to blame my Master—Sri Chinmoy—for being the reason why I never experience any kind of satisfying reward. I mildly and temporarily found fault with him even though I committed to earlier in the day starting my spiritual life all over again with the kind of sincerity I had when I first became a disciple. (I feel I can maintain the strength to do this because I have been given the promise of regaining my ability to meditate within the next year.)

So, let’s look at these passages.

“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

While I meditated on this passage, I embraced the fact that I need to listen to the advice of my Inner Guide—my Master—and of my heart whispers.

A couple years ago, my Inner Guide, delicately and with a hint of Infinite Intelligence, advised me I need eight hours of sleep per night. Now my heart feels that this is true. Therefore, I should listen to advice like that, go to sleep at a proper hour and get enough sleep per night despite how I often really, really want to stay up all night long.

Second passage:

“Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.” (Proverbs 12:16)

The night before, I immediately chose to react in a destructive way in my thoughts after my Inner Guide touched me in a way I chose to see as threatening. Fools do that kind of thing. And the Christ advises: if someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other. So, I have to do that both with my Inner Guide—who has already ignited the end of the struggle within—and everybody else in my life.

Third passage:

“An honest witness tells the truth, but a false witness tells lies.” (Proverbs 12:17)

This is about how I am a complete bullshitter when I complain about my Inner Guide—Sri Chinmoy—both in angry self-talk and to others. I am a false witness at that time proposing specious arguments. (With the end of the struggle within, I am finding it almost impossible to believe these specious arguments anymore.)

With these and other efforts, I am beginning to feel much better, bursting through my self-inflicted darkness.

My Inner Guide also advised me numerous times not to drink. Sounds like a good plan going forward.

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